Creating My Life

My creating caught up with my knowing,
Now I am living in a future I created on purpose.

For years I created my life by accident, stumbling around in dark moments of ignorance. Then I began to create my life on purpose. At first I tried to will everything into being. I read and studied voraciously, starved for knowledge, hungry for answers. I was focused on sales. I was focused on career. I was focused on making something of myself, for myself and by myself.

Then I began to look at my own thoughts and my own processes. In these moments I found that my thoughts and thinking had more power than I had realized. And I realized that my thoughts were governed by patterns of belief. If I believed in original sin, I was a sinner. If I was a sinner then most everything I was doing was condemned by the Almighty. Talk about a cycle of failure.

I soon realized I was actually creating more with what I believed than with what I was physically doing. I was building a future with every thought and emotion I connected to those thoughts. And in this moment of realization, I also saw that I was living in a future that had been created by a belief that said, I wasn’t good enough. Thereby I was living a life that was never good enough and nothing I did or accomplished ever truly gave me a sense of joy or accomplishment.

In looking at my thoughts and in looking at the blessings that came my way I began to notice two basic patterns: 1) There were always blessings, no matter what I believe 2) I didn’t notice the blessings or make myself available to the blessings when I was busy feeling guilty, scared, worried or preoccupied with whether or not I had the attention and approval of my creator.

Now juxtapose 2 on 1 and I saw my flawed thinking. I was always blessed no matter what I did! So why waste time with guilt, fear and worry – especially since those emotions were actually blocking my access to the blessings.

Next, since I was watching my thoughts anyway, I decided it would be a worthy endeavor to see what would happen if I quit attaching those emotions to my actions but rather place my own approval and attention to my actions and thoughts. I began to have more joy almost instantly. Now some years later abundance in a new and fascinating way has manifested itself in my life. I am experiencing an abundance that does not revolve around “sales or selling” – oh some things are bought and sold by me, but I am no longer focused, driven or trying to force the issue on any level. However, every time I am in need something moves someone or something into my path and my needs and desires are met.

This is not connected with how much I give – though I enjoy giving and it brings me great joy – this abundance is not conditioned on how good a person I am – thought I enjoy being nice and loving to those around me – the only requirement for me to experience this abundance is for me to be open to it and not block its presence with self defeating thoughts and emotions like fear, worry, hate, doubt, anger, jealousy or violence. I have come to realize it is a magnetic event. Love joy and peace bring with them more abundance. Maybe it is metaphysical, maybe it is psychological – I will let those with better skills in those fields explain. I am too busy having fun and enjoying my life to take up too much time trying to explain a phenomena that is beyond my reckoning.

Nowadays I create my life by putting energy into positive styles of thinking: love, connection, abundance, generosity, peacefulness, calmness and gratitude. As soon as I feel a negative thought begin to enter my personal space, I decide it doesn’t need my emotional investment, I detach Rusty from those thoughts and they trickle out and back from whence they came.

After some years of doing this I have noticed that I truly am blessed. Even when I screw up. Even when I make mistakes or get momentarily but completely selfish, I am blessed with abundance and love. That is an incredible realization for a man that comes from a fundamentalist religious background.

I am blessed regardless of what I do… however… the consequences of what I do have less negative power when I come back to my honest-self, admit when I make mistakes or get lost in my mind, thinking or musings and go forward again in love, light and abundance. I am now living a life of meaningful existence and it is all because I am more forgiving of myself, more loving to myself – consequently I am more loving and forgiving of those around me. I don’t have to do these things to have abundance, love and light in my life, but by observing my life, thoughts and consequences there of, I am more capable of passing along peace, love, joy and abundance to those that surround me. And that always makes me feel good and helps me remember how blessed I am.

And on the cycle grows.

Loving every minute of it…
Love & Light,
Rusty